Monday, November 29, 2010

#50

Recently, I have been having a flow of thoughts which I can't control and I have been thinking about many things. Along with these thoughts were also the various negative emotions: anger, sadness, frustrated, fear which were changing almost constantly. The main topic was friendship. When problems arise, how does one deal with it then? When there is a communication breakdown, how do we go about it? When both sides continue to keep things to themselves and finally let out, how bad would the impact be?

It was mainly my fault anyway when recently things didn't go too well. Unknowingly, I've been insensitive. I tried to patch things up and to some extent, I figured that things may not go back to being normal like how it used to be. With exams coming up, reports to submit, research to conduct, time is being sacrificed and it stresses me out. I find that I'm unable to cope a few things at a time.

TRY --> that's all I can do now, with no promises. :( I don't know if it'll work, but at least, I tried... I guess.

I made too many wishes tonight. One of it had a 'If only it didn't happen...' meaning. Uncertainty is something I am facing as well. There is always a possibility, likelihood, a chance. Like what people would normally say, "Give it some time. Only time can tell."

At this point, I don't know what to expect of the friendship. I believe there would be a situation where there is nothing to talk about. I'm sure many of us experience the same thing. It's just that we have different ways to handle it. Sometimes, I don't understand how I keep making mistakes which results in countless "cold wars" over the past 3 months. In the end, I'll be back to asking myself if the friendship was worth fighting for. Was it too much of a burden? Did it do me any good? Did it bring harm to the other person? Questions, questions, and questions...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

#49

I feel frustrated how things don't go the right way or doesn't fall into place when I expect it to. I remember being told that without expectations, you won't get hurt and I do find some truth in it. I guess unknowingly, I have expectations in the things I do, the way I do it, in my friends and stuff.

Since last week itself, I've been looking forward to doing something fun - catch a new movie, play frisbee or some sort of activity. But, it has been interrupted by the weather and time does not allow me to do the things I want to do. More importantly, I did not want to do them alone. It is impossible to play frisbee on my own and watching a movie alone is just sad.

I've been wanting to watch Harry Potter 7 (Part 1). Either I had no time to watch with friends who wanted to watch it, no one is interested in watching it with me or everyone else watched it already but me. :/ I heard that Megamind is good too but I haven't been able to watch it because the timing clashes with my schedule and no one wants to watch a night movie. Otherwise, everyone including me would be tired by the end of the day or the movie is no longer showing in that particular cinema.

So from last week, it was moved to this week. And the plans that were supposed to "happen" fell apart day by day. Now that I'm already reaching the end of the week, I haven't done any fun activity and feel couped up at home with nothing but BOOKS, BOOKS and MORE reading material that needs to be covered but never quite covered.

*sigh*

Sunday, November 21, 2010

5 things that made me :)

Sometimes, all I want is a holiday, a button to 'Pause' whatever that has been happening so that I can 'Rewind' and reflect; and probably 'Fast Forward' to anticipate what's going to happen. Then, I get back to the point where I paused and hit the 'Play' button again.

'Things happen for a reason...' people say. It sounds vague, meaningless until something significant really does happen because most of the time, I wouldn't know what the reason is. I get stuck thinking about what the reason may be and not move on to embrace what is being offered for me to learn and appreciate.

It was difficult to think about or do the things which makes me happy. In Seremban, I have no time to dance and even if I do, I have no space. Dancing in a park is a 'NO' for me. The next thing which makes me happy would be playing the piano but unfortunately, the keyboard in the clinical school has been taken away for a project and the piano at home hasn't been tuned. Taking pictures used to be something I love but it was rather inconvenient to bring a camera around the clinical school to take pictures. It would be weird since the atmosphere is always so tensed.

Then, I realise that it's the little things that count. If I stopped thinking about all the problems which multiplies by 2 every time I think about them and just observe how things work around me or how things are around me, I'd probably see something beyond sick or dying people,..

...no dark and twisted place for the mind to be trapped.

So, the relatively little things which I came across last week which made me a bit happier:

1) Interesting accessories

No matter where I go, it seems like I can't run away from Medicine. :) Honestly, I've only met a handful of nurses who are nice to students. Most nurses I previously met were mean but in this posting, I've met nice ones who are willing to teach. Back to the earrings, ^^ they are adorable and the only pair left. I did not get it though because I did not think it would be appropriate to wear it in the hospital setting and I did not want to be reminded of work when I'm out with my friends. Ooh, and it was RM9.90.

2) Kids

I love children mainly because they are still naive and they are easy to read. They don't or hardly hide their emotions when they are sad, angry, annoyed. When they are happy, they are living the moment. That is something I need to do : Live the moment before it passes by and I missed it completely.

3) Bright colours

You have to admit that bright colours really does lighten a person's mood. Bright colours are the opposite of emo. I can't possibly think of anything emo when I see yellow, orange and light blue. :) Although Pooh looks jaundiced most of the time, Pooh does not emo. (the movie is coming out next year!)

4) Art

I love creativity. I love to see the creativity of individuals in process or in end result. It inspires me in a way that it reminds me to challenge myself to think out of the box. I have been avoiding the challenges I faced. As a result, I don't get far when my peers do once they overcome them one after the other. I guess my coping mechanism is different from them or mine has got a defect in it.

5) Seeing things from a different angle through a different lense

'take one step at a time with me until we reach the end'

Baby steps are important in getting back up and going back to finish what you started. It's not easy to take baby steps when there's no one around to encourage and give moral support. Just think about it... a baby has to be encouraged to crawl, move and walk around. When they fall and hurt themselves, they just need to have someone to hold their hands so that they feel secure and if they fall again, it would not be as bad as the first time. :)

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

#48

Many said that Family Medicine posting is one of the most relaxing postings in Semester 6. Strangely, I do not find it true. Honestly, I prefer Internal Medicine over Family Medicine. I've been trying to adjust to the new setting in the Klinik Kesihatan. This is the second week and it is also around this time where external assignments start to gush in like a flood that you have to control.

Every day, I have a different list of things to do and I do not have time to study. At the moment, I'm just concentrating on the research proposal which is going to be presented to my tutor this Thursday. :) Yeah, I'm excited about it because I think the research topic is quite interesting and I'd like to believe that I can do it although many do not support the idea. Plus, I've been putting a lot of thought into the proposal. It's not perfect but MAYBE, just maybe... in the next 2 days, I'd be able to change and add in more information to make it presentable. :)

Yes, I do find the stress load crazy to the point where I can't handle it at times but I've got 2 people to thank for for helping me through. :) I am starting believe now that 'Friends come and go. Good and close friends come and stay.'

Sunday, November 07, 2010

#47

I was listening to Broken by Lifehouse and I decided to search the lyrics and I came across this in one of the verses.

Hmm, I don't think I know how to breath barley... And, I don't think the artists did too. :P

Saturday, November 06, 2010

0.2 degrees hotter :D

Last week, there was a CSU class where we injected oranges, tomatoes but not each other. It was sort of like a playtime for us because we also got the opportunity to prick our friend's fingers to test for the random blood glucose using the Glucometer. Mine was 4.6 mmol/L. I'm normal!

We got to break ampules which I'm afraid of because I think that everything will shatter in my grip. Injecting oranges was kind of fun. But, one thing which I would not forget was the time we took each other's temperature.

So, my friend's temperature was 36.4 degrees Celcius. We were in an air-conditioned room. I thought it would at least be 37 degrees but anyway...
Mine was 36.6 degrees. :)

15 SECONDS LATER...

Thursday, November 04, 2010

#46

This weekend is going to be filled with Maroon 5 songs. :)

I didn't have class in the afternoon, so, I followed Natashini back to Klang. I slept throughout the journey. I've never been able to stay awake for long journeys as such unless I'm the one driving. It was nice to have 2 bowls of porridge for lunch. It's been awhile (4 days) since I had home-cooked food. My friend noticed a decrease in appetite which I would not deny but it's picking up now. After lunch, I slept for another 4 hours. I think it was probably one of the worst dreams I've got. It felt like a 4-hour lecture on the differences between Family Medicine and Internal Medicine. argh.

Some people say that what we dream usually reflects what we did during the day. There was a 4 hour lecture this morning and also for the past 3 days, it has been an intensive training to listen. I didn't do quite well in that because I do end up falling asleep in the middle of lectures. The sleepiness is worsened by lunch.

I do not know how my friends stay awake no matter how sleepy they are. I've got to learn that ability.

#45

After 7 weeks of Internal Medicine posting, I'm now in Family Medicine. The system is a little different and I feel a bit lost as to what I'm supposed to do and how it should be done. Also, the setting is different.

But, putting that aside, I've been neglecting my Research Proposal and have postponed it for the past 3 days. Deepavali is just around the corner. :) It means 4 days of holiday for me! (weekends included) Last Sunday, I had a henna done on my left hand. Well, it's beginning to fade already. I'd like to have more henna done but I think it's only professional to keep the hands free from any designs etc.

Just awhile ago, I did something which I haven't done in a LOOONG while. :) ARTSTUFF! Well, I haven't got much ideas lately. So, I just played around with prints, colours and lace. I need some inspiration. I haven't got the mood to do anything lately either. That means, since Family Medicine started, I've been neglecting my studies a bit. :/