Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Her name was...

I have weird dreams when I sleep for too long. Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was in the operating theatre and I was with quite a few surgeons. One of them was my brother. However, there wasn’t any operations on that day. It was like a field trip where you’re brought to places and activities are conducted. In my dream, I was painting and colouring using crayons. One of this female surgeon drew the systems in the human body. For no reason, I was colouring the intestines light blue. Weird, isn’t it?

But that is not the ultimate weird feeling I had. I misunderstood this girl as someone who have depression and so, I smsed her (well, somehow I have her number) to see my brother who supposingly should help by giving advice and stuff like that. The sms I sent though did not reach the girl (wrong number) but instead, it went to the female surgeon I met and she told me that she knows my brother. Later that night, she parked her car under the tree and I don’t know why I got in. She told me that she is a divorced woman whose husband lives in the house opposite (from her view) and that she is depressed. After talking, she said that her name is Phang Kit Ching and I got out of the car. That’s when I woke up.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I like being narcisisstic

It’s the holidays again!!! And it’s for my to enjoy and throw my books away for the meantime. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on random things; so many that I can’t quite remember what I was thinking about. Well, one of it was definitely about this blog. When am I going to get back to blogging anyway? Here I am… and I’m not going to stop blogging until something extraordinary to me happens.

Honestly, it’s only a Sunday and I’m beginning to get bored of watching Korean dramas, not that there’s something bad about it but I don’t have the time to watch MY dramas when the television is always occupied by my parents with THEIR dramas… -_____-ll And I don’t have Grey’s Anatomy or House to watch since they are with my brother… I was sick for the past few days when my lymph nodes were swollen and my throat was infected. After paying the doctor a visit which I think was not worth my RM 28, he told me “Don’t worry” for about 5 times a minute?!

I remember him telling me clearly, “Don’t worry. You won’t die. Don’t worry. It’s not cancerous or anything. Don’t worry, I’ll give you the medicine you need. Don’t worry, cancers do not develop in one night. Don’t worry, there are cases that are much worse than yours but don’t worry, yours is not a serious problem. Your lymph nodes are swollen, that’s all. Don’t worry, although you have infections in your throat, don’t worry, you’ll get better after taking the medicines. Don’t worry, all you need to do is finish the medicines. You’re not worried, are you?”
Sheesshh…… Am I a 5 year old kid or something? -____-lll Seriously, I was so darn paranoid at that time. Let alone the fact that he was shaking his leg the whole time he was talking and saying ‘Don’t worry’ x Infinity. But still, it’s funny when I think of it. He sounds more worried than I am. hahaha… I’m so mean.

I have no camera; I have no kimchi; I have no Pooh.

Talk about all the drama a seventeen year old girl could face when she is going to turn eighteen. It’s like oh so dramatic. Now is so not the time to talk about relationships not that relationships are not something fun to talk about, but there really isn’t one that I can talk about. Now is also so not the time for my to talk about whether I’m going for the corobary or what I’m going to wear because I’m not even sure if I want to go. So, what is it that is ‘Now’s-the-time’? Frankly, I have no idea.

Skip topics concerning academics. I’m done talking about that already; enough about not-good-enough-grades. I’m through having to do worse than some people who always do better than me no matter how hard I try. I’m done talking about what the future holds or which university I’m going to because there could only be one university that I have to aim for or else I’m so barbequed.

Preaching session:
There comes a time when you have to let go of things that you don’t want to let go. There comes a time when you have to accept things because it was destined to be that way. There comes a time whne you just have to believe in yourself and find it in you that you can make a difference. O.o *Did I just preach to myself?*

I’d rather be misunderstood personality-wise. Because only when the person does not misunderstand what I say will I then know that that person is my true friend. How many true friends have I got? I can say two and two is all I’ve got. The way I put it sounds weird. You may understand, you may not. So, screw the part about trying to understand. lol. Sometimes, I just love being narcissistic; being so self-absorbed with my ownself. hahaha. That’s not wrong. I say it’s not a bad thing if it’s a once-in-a-while thing.

Oh well, until next time…

Thursday, August 09, 2007

My opinions do matter TO ME

If there is ever a time to do something about it, it would be now. I’m feeling rather depressed. I don’t know why but when I look out the window or stare at something for some time, it will occur to me that this is how I look at things. Do others see it the same way as me? Not to mention that I do wear spectacles. So, I’m sort of looking at the world through plastic. -__-ll I’ve wondered so many times, how would it be not looking through the lense. Everything will be blurry. But had I perfect vision, it would perhaps be different.

I got to know about the twin paradox today after listening to my friend’s presentation. I find it really interesting because what he talked about today was what I was curious about for the past 10 years or so. You may think I’m mad or something, but I know myself. I started to wonder when I’m in the car, I may not be moving, but I’m actually moving. I’ve been trying to find an explanation for it but I was unable to until today. Well, sort of. Twin paradox explains partially of what I’m curious about because it is not about time travelling that I’m curious about, it is about the movements that I find it hard to explain. Nevermind…

RESPECT- have you got it? What is respect? Why should you respect? Are you aware that sometimes, you don’t respect?

Sometimes, I hate too many things and I hate it when I hate stuff. I will be isolating myself to my space. It’s just between me and my mind… and it’s all happening in my head. As crazy as how it may sound to you, that’s the way things are TO me. My best friend is my true friend and I can always count on her for advice. She may be far but I knew her in secondary school and we’ve been friends for the past 4 1/2 years of which she was my official best friend for 2 1/2 years. Now, she’s studying in The One Academy and although we don’t see each other, it’s nice to know that there is someone out there who will support you and just listen. My other best friend (who I knew since Std 2) is also always out there for me when I need help in academics and she is someone I meet up with when I’m free.

Back to where I was, I feel as if there is no more respect for friends especially. Like what I say or do, people I talk to go against me and always try to proove that they are right. What ever happened to respecting my opinions and listening to what I’ve got to say for a change? Why is it that I have to be the one to give in all the time? Whatever happened to respecting what I want to do and just accept it? It’s just so frustrating to keep it all inside and not being able to tell out how I feel just so that I don’t offend another person or make him/her uncomfortable. I am frustrated over stuff that happened for the past few weeks.

I was regarded as this over-sensitive person who gets stressed over tiny bity little things. I was called a b*tch by a random person who I don’t know. I was pretty much disliked by people because I said ‘Shut up’ and when I said it, I was not at all using an angry tone. I am angry and I can scream, shout, hit you back right on your face and stuff like that. I can debate with you for all I care to proove to you that I’m right and you just don’t realise that. But I believe in peace and harmony. I believe that I can, as long as I tolerate and give in, maintain and keep my friendship. I’d rather not try to make enemies. And sometimes, it’s just so hard after taking so much crap from people. Trying not to hurt other people’s feelings makes me end up feeling hurt. Either way, it is a lose-lose situation.

There’s just so much of anger and hatred inside me that I can’t find ways to throw them away. It’s not like trash where you can instantaneously take it to the bin. To me, feelings are abstract and non-descriptive but rather, it can be felt. It is okay if you don’t care about somethings, but I care even though it may be the tinniest problem or not because being sensitive over stuff is not a bad thing. If you’re not sensitive, you would just end up hurting the other people’s feelings. In my opinion, how sensitive one should be depends on who they are with due to different characters in different individuals.